For some families, the journey to parenthood takes a path they never expected. Surrogacy can offer hope to those who may not be able to carry a pregnancy themselves, but it is also a deeply personal and complex journey - one that involves much more than simply hoping for a baby.
In this guest blog, Michael Johnson-Ellis, Co-Founder and Co-CEO of My Surrogacy Journey and a parent through surrogacy, shares an honest look at the realities of building a family this way. From the emotional highs and lows to the practical, medical and relationship challenges, Michael explores what he wishes every intended parent knew before beginning their journey.
Read on for an honest and insightful look at the realities of growing a family through surrogacy.
From Hope to Parenthood: The realities of growing a family through surrogacy
Hope is a powerful thing. It’s what carries you through the months (and sometimes years) of appointments, paperwork, waiting, and wondering whether your dream of becoming a parent will ever arrive.
And if you’re considering surrogacy, you deserve more than glossy headlines and “miracle baby” soundbites. You deserve the real picture: the beauty, the complexity, the cost (emotional and financial), the moments of deep connection, and the parts that can feel lonely if nobody prepares you.
This is for the families standing at the beginning, full of hope, but craving honesty. I’m writing this as the Co-CEO and Co-Founder of My Surrogacy Journey, but also as a parent through surrogacy. I know what it’s like to hold two truths at once: gratitude so big it takes your breath away, and a journey that can test every part of you.
Why people choose surrogacy and why it’s never “the easy option”
Surrogacy is often chosen after a long road: infertility, recurrent loss, medical conditions that make pregnancy unsafe, or because you’re a same-sex couple or solo parent who needs support to build your family.
Whatever brings you here, it’s important to say this plainly: surrogacy is not a shortcut. It’s a different path, one that can be incredibly positive, but also layered with legal, medical, relational, and ethical realities.
If you’re looking for a single “right way” to do surrogacy, you won’t find it. What you can find is a grounded, values-led approach that protects everyone involved, especially the surrogate, the child, and your future family.
The emotional reality: hope, grief, and joy can coexist
Most intended parents arrive at surrogacy carrying something tender: grief for the pregnancy experience they imagined, fear that it might not work, or exhaustion from years of trying.
Surrogacy can be healing but it doesn’t erase what came before.
Here are a few emotional truths that don’t get said enough:
- You can be deeply grateful and still struggle. Gratitude doesn’t cancel anxiety.
- Waiting is its own kind of work. Matching, medical steps, and legal processes can feel like your life is “on hold.”
- You may feel protective of your surrogate and also powerless. Someone else is carrying your baby, that’s profound, and it can bring up unexpected feelings.
- The pregnancy might be joyful, but not always carefree. Complications happen. Uncertainty happens. And you’re learning to trust a process you can’t control.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Is it normal to feel all of that?” yes. It is.
The practical reality: surrogacy is a project (and you’ll need a plan)
Surrogacy is emotional, but it’s also logistical. The families who cope best are the ones who treat it like a structured journey with clear milestones.
1) Understanding the pathways
Broadly, surrogacy can be:
- UK-based (altruistic) with specific legal frameworks and timelines.
- International (which may offer different structures, but also adds complexity around citizenship, travel, and legal parenthood).
There’s no universal “best” option, only what aligns with your circumstances, values, budget, and risk tolerance.
2) Budgeting honestly
Money is one of the biggest stressors, and it’s also one of the most avoidable surprises, if you plan early.
Even in altruistic systems, there are real costs: fertility treatment, legal advice, counselling, travel, maternity clothing, loss of earnings, childcare, insurance (where applicable), and the unexpected.
Practical support tip: build a budget with three layers:
- Expected costs (clinic fees, legal, travel)
- Likely extras (additional cycles, extra scans, accommodation)
- Contingency (because life happens)
3) Timelines: prepare for “slow, then fast”
Surrogacy often moves in a pattern that can feel emotionally disorienting:
- Months of slow progress (admin, matching, screening, legal)
- Then suddenly everything accelerates (pregnancy milestones, birth planning, travel)
Support tip: create a simple timeline and revisit it monthly. It helps you feel anchored when the pace changes.
The relationship reality: surrogacy is built on trust, not transactions
Surrogacy is a partnership rooted in respect and shared intention.
But trust doesn’t appear automatically, it’s built.
What strong surrogacy relationships tend to have in common
- Clear expectations early (communication, boundaries, decision-making)
- Mutual autonomy (the surrogate is not “a vessel”; she’s a whole person)
- Consistency (showing up, checking in, following through)
- Space for difference (you won’t agree on everything, the goal is to handle it well)
Practical support tip: have the “awkward conversations” before pregnancy.
Talk about:
- Contact frequency and preferred channels
- Pregnancy updates and scan attendance
- Social media and privacy
- Health choices (within the surrogate’s autonomy)
- Birth preferences and hospital plans
- Post-birth contact and what ongoing connection might look like
These conversations aren’t unromantic, they’re protective.
The medical reality: it’s not just one appointment
Even when everything goes smoothly, fertility treatment can be intense.
You may face:
- Multiple cycles
- Unpredictable outcomes
- Clinic delays
- The emotional impact of failed transfers
This is where community matters. Surrogacy can feel isolating because your peers may not understand why you can’t “just relax” or “just adopt.”
Support tip: choose a small circle of people who can hold the truth with you, not just the happy updates.
The birth reality: it can be beautiful and also complicated
Birth is the moment everyone imagines, but it’s also where many intended parents feel most anxious.
Questions that come up:
- Will the hospital understand surrogacy?
- Will we be included? Respectfully and appropriately?
- What happens if plans change?
- How do we protect the surrogate’s dignity and choices?
Practical support tip: create a birth plan that includes everyone.
A good surrogacy birth plan covers:
- Who is in the room (and when)
- How decisions will be communicated
- Skin-to-skin intentions (and flexibility)
- Feeding plans
- Photography and privacy
- Post-birth room arrangements
- How you’ll support the surrogate emotionally after delivery
And one more truth: you may feel a surge of emotion that’s hard to describe, relief, disbelief, joy, grief, gratitude, sometimes all at once.
The early parenthood reality: you’re not “behind”- you’re becoming
Many intended parents worry they’ll feel disconnected because they didn’t carry the pregnancy.
Bonding can be immediate. It can also be gradual. Both are normal.
You’re not “less of a parent” because you didn’t experience pregnancy. You’re a parent because you show up, everyday, with love, care, and responsibility.
Support tip: focus on attachment through the basics:
- Skin-to-skin where possible
- Feeding routines (however you feed)
- Responsive soothing
- Eye contact and voice
- Consistent caregiving
And please hear this: if you’re struggling emotionally after birth, anxiety, low mood, intrusive thoughts, you deserve support. Postnatal mental health isn’t only for the person who gave birth.
The surrogate’s wellbeing: the part we must never treat as secondary
If you’re considering surrogacy, one of the most important questions isn’t “How quickly can we have a baby?”
It’s: How do we ensure this journey is safe, supported, and ethical for the surrogate?
That means:
- Independent legal advice
- Proper medical screening and informed consent
- Psychological support and counselling
- Respect for boundaries and autonomy
- Clear agreements around expenses and expectations
- Post-birth care and emotional support
Surrogacy should never rely on pressure, secrecy, or financial vulnerability.
When we protect surrogates, we protect children and families too.
Practical support: what to do if you’re considering surrogacy right now
If you’re at the “research” stage, here’s a grounded starting point.
Step 1: Get clear on your values
Write down what matters most to you:
- Staying in the UK vs going international
- Relationship-led vs agency-led support
- Your comfort with timelines and uncertainty
- Your budget boundaries
- Your ethical non-negotiables
Step 2: Build your support team
Surrogacy is not a solo mission. Consider:
- A clinic you trust
- A legal team experienced in surrogacy
- Counselling (individual and as a couple)
- A community that understands surrogacy
Step 3: Prepare for the long game
Ask yourself:
- How do we cope with setbacks?
- How do we communicate under stress?
- What will we do to protect our relationship?
Hope is essential, but resilience is what carries you.
Step 4: Learn from real stories (not just highlight reels)
Look for stories that include:
- Failed transfers
- Complications and plan changes
- Emotional ups and downs
- The surrogate’s perspective
- Post-birth realities
Honesty doesn’t scare you off, it helps you consent to the journey with open eyes.
From hope to parenthood: what I wish every intended parent knew
I wish someone had told me earlier that surrogacy isn’t just a route to a baby.
It’s a relationship. It’s a test of patience. It’s a lesson in surrendering control. It’s an invitation to build family in a way that’s intentionally supported by others and that can be profoundly moving.
You don’t need to be fearless to begin. You just need to be willing to learn, to ask for help, to stay ethical, and to keep showing up.
Hope brought you here. With the right support, honesty, and community, hope can also carry you forward, all the way to parenthood.
If you’d like to get in touch with someone to explore growing your family through surrogacy you can contact My Surrogacy Journey at:
- mysurrogacyjourney.com
- Instagram + Facebook: @officialmysurrogacyjourney
Or listen to the My Surrogacy Journey podcast:
Spotify | Apple Podcasts | YouTube
Every surrogacy journey is unique, but Michael’s message is universal: hope matters, but so do honesty, preparation, support and a commitment to ensuring that everyone involved - especially the surrogate - is respected, supported and cared for throughout the journey.
If you’re considering surrogacy, or simply want to better understand the experiences of families who build their families this way, Michael’s honest reflections offer a valuable place to start. As he says, you don’t need to be fearless to begin - you just need to be willing to learn, ask for help and keep showing up.
Thank you to Michael for sharing such an open and honest perspective on the realities of surrogacy and the journey to parenthood.
